I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize