OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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