I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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