Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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