So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
