so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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