I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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