Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
