I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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