So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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