i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize