Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
