bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
