Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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