I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
