I want to walk on stilts...naked
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hippo gnu deer
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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