My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
