before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
