omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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