we're chasing vodka with high fives
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
