He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
