The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
