Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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