I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
