Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
