just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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