So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
