He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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