Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
