Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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