Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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