and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
