dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
