My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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