I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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