i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
