Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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