I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
