She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
