Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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