he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
