I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
