That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
