Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize