I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
