Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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