THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
