so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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