I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
