Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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