I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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