could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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