Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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