1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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