Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
