I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
