I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
