She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
