More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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