I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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