im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
