i would punch a child for taco bell
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
