The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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