She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
